What's on your alleged mind, John Stalvern?

You have to give John Stalvern credit: he's not a quitter. He's a miserable SOB, a crank, the kind of guy who seems to hate everything but kittens (and maybe hates those too), but he's not the kind of guy who will give up in the face of something as trivial as constant and clear rejection.

He might be the most reliable troll on the Globe And Mail's website. We know nothing about who he is - the name "John Stalvern" is (presumably) a pseudonym, based on fanfic starring a zombie with that name - and we know not much more than that about what he thinks. As the comment moderators at the Globe And Mail say with astonishing regularity, "John Stalvern's comment was not consistent with our guidelines and has been removed."

And John's not a single-axe-to-grind kind of a guy, either. In a catalogue of somewhere north of 700 comments, he's got opinions too rude to print on nearly every topic under the sun. News articles, features, puff pieces, opinion bits: they all inspire him to write something apparently awful. Stories with titles like, "Trade in the car or the girlfriend?", "Bear hunters target B.C. provincial parks, highways" and "Hummer joins GM's growing scrap heap" bear his mostly-scrubbed-out fingerprints, as do such non-traditional hot-button items as "Ukraine looks eastward," "Chrysler sale put on hold," and "Apple unveils new, speedier iPhone."

We'll never know what it was about the iPhone that drove John Stalvern to post something so terrible that had to be removed. And it's not like the moderators at the Globe And Mail are prudes, either. The stuff that they leave up only enhances his curmudgeonly credibility. "Janet Jackson's Super Bowl nipple slip in court," reads one headline. "America is a loser," writes John. "Biology professor accused of faculty shooting described as 'genius'," says another. "America is worse than Somalia," responds John. "Police kill 'con artist' in Times Square shootout," says a third. "America is garbage, with police more corrupt than Somalia," says John. Elsewhere, he invites readers to submit photos of "the now-euthanized homeless" who lived near Vancouver's Olympic village, theorizes that "Dubai has a case of the retardeds," and posits that "kids suck." For the story that the "Toronto budget fails to hold the line on property tax," all he's left with is, "LOUD YELLING".

So what does John Stalvern think about some of the other Issues Of Our Time?


"An investment expert could simply slap his penus repeatedly on the keyboard, publish the resulting gibberish, and do no better or worse than a carefully deliberated recommendation."

"Bowing to China's oppressive and corrupt government is the price we have to pay to keep Canadian Walmarts full of plastic salad tossers and $23 infant car seats."

"Air Canada sucks."

"All US carriers and Westjet are garbage compared to [Air Canada]. Best North American airline, no contest."

The Arts:

"[Noel] Gallagher is a first-class wimp."

(On the October 2009 death of comedian Soupy Sales) "I think 'comedian' is too generous a term. Yawn."

"I have over one million songs on my phone. Whereas your life soundtrack ended with Rush's '2112', mine grows daily."

The Internet:

"Arguing on the internet is like winning a gold medal in the special olympics. Even if you win, you are still retarded."

"Google is more powerful than both God and Jesus combined."

"FACT: a 17-inch MacBook Pro retails for $2,799 and costs $144.10 to produce in China, including software and all materials, and about $16 to ship. Only status-hungry hipsters and worthless artists think this is a good value."

"Twitter Twerps Tweet Twaddle to Twats"


"Not to sound biased against female drivers, but women are simply not entirely attentive to goings-on in the immediate vicinity. Be it walking, driving, turning around, whatever; women are more likely to bump into something/someone or otherwise lose their way."

"Kids today are generally have more retardation than previous generations. Short attention spans due to garbage TV and SMS, and brain chemistry imbalances caused by energy drinks and never being outside."


"I generally despise firefighters, as there is a fire station one block from my house, and the incessant sirens and honking are ridiculous. Really, what proportion of their 'emergencies' are actually fires rather than false alarms?"


"I hate the Olympics."
"This Afghanistan quagmire is going to end up like 9/11 x 1,000. That's right: 911,000."

Moderator's Note: John Stalvern's comment was not consistent with our guidelines and has been removed. 

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like all my blog comments. You have to admire somebody that reliably cranky.