What's on your alleged mind, John Stalvern?

You have to give John Stalvern credit: he's not a quitter. He's a miserable SOB, a crank, the kind of guy who seems to hate everything but kittens (and maybe hates those too), but he's not the kind of guy who will give up in the face of something as trivial as constant and clear rejection.

He might be the most reliable troll on the Globe And Mail's website. We know nothing about who he is - the name "John Stalvern" is (presumably) a pseudonym, based on fanfic starring a zombie with that name - and we know not much more than that about what he thinks. As the comment moderators at the Globe And Mail say with astonishing regularity, "John Stalvern's comment was not consistent with our guidelines and has been removed."

And John's not a single-axe-to-grind kind of a guy, either. In a catalogue of somewhere north of 700 comments, he's got opinions too rude to print on nearly every topic under the sun. News articles, features, puff pieces, opinion bits: they all inspire him to write something apparently awful. Stories with titles like, "Trade in the car or the girlfriend?", "Bear hunters target B.C. provincial parks, highways" and "Hummer joins GM's growing scrap heap" bear his mostly-scrubbed-out fingerprints, as do such non-traditional hot-button items as "Ukraine looks eastward," "Chrysler sale put on hold," and "Apple unveils new, speedier iPhone."

We'll never know what it was about the iPhone that drove John Stalvern to post something so terrible that had to be removed. And it's not like the moderators at the Globe And Mail are prudes, either. The stuff that they leave up only enhances his curmudgeonly credibility. "Janet Jackson's Super Bowl nipple slip in court," reads one headline. "America is a loser," writes John. "Biology professor accused of faculty shooting described as 'genius'," says another. "America is worse than Somalia," responds John. "Police kill 'con artist' in Times Square shootout," says a third. "America is garbage, with police more corrupt than Somalia," says John. Elsewhere, he invites readers to submit photos of "the now-euthanized homeless" who lived near Vancouver's Olympic village, theorizes that "Dubai has a case of the retardeds," and posits that "kids suck." For the story that the "Toronto budget fails to hold the line on property tax," all he's left with is, "LOUD YELLING".

So what does John Stalvern think about some of the other Issues Of Our Time?


"An investment expert could simply slap his penus repeatedly on the keyboard, publish the resulting gibberish, and do no better or worse than a carefully deliberated recommendation."

"Bowing to China's oppressive and corrupt government is the price we have to pay to keep Canadian Walmarts full of plastic salad tossers and $23 infant car seats."

"Air Canada sucks."

"All US carriers and Westjet are garbage compared to [Air Canada]. Best North American airline, no contest."

The Arts:

"[Noel] Gallagher is a first-class wimp."

(On the October 2009 death of comedian Soupy Sales) "I think 'comedian' is too generous a term. Yawn."

"I have over one million songs on my phone. Whereas your life soundtrack ended with Rush's '2112', mine grows daily."

The Internet:

"Arguing on the internet is like winning a gold medal in the special olympics. Even if you win, you are still retarded."

"Google is more powerful than both God and Jesus combined."

"FACT: a 17-inch MacBook Pro retails for $2,799 and costs $144.10 to produce in China, including software and all materials, and about $16 to ship. Only status-hungry hipsters and worthless artists think this is a good value."

"Twitter Twerps Tweet Twaddle to Twats"


"Not to sound biased against female drivers, but women are simply not entirely attentive to goings-on in the immediate vicinity. Be it walking, driving, turning around, whatever; women are more likely to bump into something/someone or otherwise lose their way."

"Kids today are generally have more retardation than previous generations. Short attention spans due to garbage TV and SMS, and brain chemistry imbalances caused by energy drinks and never being outside."


"I generally despise firefighters, as there is a fire station one block from my house, and the incessant sirens and honking are ridiculous. Really, what proportion of their 'emergencies' are actually fires rather than false alarms?"


"I hate the Olympics."
"This Afghanistan quagmire is going to end up like 9/11 x 1,000. That's right: 911,000."

Moderator's Note: John Stalvern's comment was not consistent with our guidelines and has been removed. 

Deny thy name.

Anonymous wrote:
What utter useless trailer trash. The parents should be sterilized.

Name withheld opined, too, but whatever he or she wrote must have gone somewhat further than Anonymous' suggestion:
This comment has violated our Terms and Conditions, and has been removed.

Why such bile?

Blame Argyll, Bison, Boss, Chaos, Cherubim, Dice, Helix, Kal-El, Lightning, Morpheous, Mystery, Thunder, Whip, Costello, Ledger, Obama, Sutherland, Albertarose, Amazyn, Comfort, Epic, Fury, Fyre, Halleluya, Infiniti, Mischiefs, Mystique, Peanut, Twinkle, Victory, Whysper, Phoenix, Feenix, Pheenix, Phoeniks, Phoenyx, Lincoln, Lincon, Linkon, Linkyn and Lynkyn. And, of course, Ericlindross.

Actually, that's unfair. They're just 42 little kids. Of the 51,000 babies born in Alberta in 2009 - a record for the province - there are some with unusual names. That's why some members of the commentator class are eager to blame the children's parents for giving them names like that. And then, you know, sterilize the parents and give the kids away to strangers.
there should be an IQ test before parents are allowed to leave the hospital. whats the babies name? Truck? sorry but this is an intervention we are putting this kid up for adoption.....
A person who commented on another version of the story even saw an opportunity to create jobs:
The government should have two people reviewing each name: a registrar to record valid names, and someone from social services to take the babies away from some of these weirdos.

Ironically, every commenter quoted above posted anonymously. Could they be ashamed of their own names? We'll never know.

O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act 2 Scene II

The Ugly Canadian.

In their first game at the Winter Olympics, the Canadian women's hockey team defeated Slovakia 18-0.

Now, I happen to think that there should be a mercy rule in sports like hockey and baseball. The Olympics holds itself up as the embodiment of the spirit of being a good sport. Devastating a competitor that is truly and hopelessly outclassed is almost as embarrassing for the winners as it is for the losers: everybody knows it wasn't a fair fight. It's not unsporting to recognize that.

What is unsporting is to do what Brandon Hicks, a senior writer for CBCSports.ca, did: write a nasty, sneering and snide piece about the Canadian team "eking out a gutsy and harrowing 18-0 victory" despite what he called "the struggling Canadian offence."

I look forward to Mr. Hicks' account of the time his men's league team had a father-son game and creamed those 8-year-olds by a score of 28-3, or of the time when he, then a seventh grader, totally beat up that kid in grade two who looked at him.

The Let's Teach That Kid A Lesson Plan

In Waterbury, Connecticut, a 13-year-old girl in fifth grade started a food fight which quickly escalated into a fist fight with a 55-year-old lunch lady. Lunch Lady Doris has been charged, the kid has been suspended, and the local citizenry is howling for blood - especially the kid's.

Prospect Resident thinks the punk should lose at least a year of school.
Her behavior should have her expelled from school for 180 days.... I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THE YOUTH IN AMERICA DOING THINGS LIKE THIS AND RECEIVING ALMOST NO APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES. It is time for new laws to be instilled that make kids like this LOSE THEIR RIGHT TO A FREE PUBLIC EDUCATION! ... This kid is TRASH....

Len B. notes that the girl is well behind her peer group and suggests a solution:
This 13 year-old girl is in the FIFTH grade? Shouldn't she be in at least seventh, if not eighth, grade by now? That says a lot about this 'innocent' little angel.... From what I read, there's nothing to be investigated: this little girl should be permanently expelled and forced to spend some time in a reformatory or, at the very least, a kennel with other dogs just like her.

And forward-thinking Tina and Heather agree that adults beating up 13-year-olds is the way to go.


That little brat got what she deserved. Her parents need to teach her some manners. No kid has the right to do that to any adult.

Lessons learned: 
  1. A 13-year-old who throws food and punches is bad. A grownup who retaliates in kind probably didn't go far enough.
  2. A seven-paragraph story provides sufficient insight into a person's character that one can identify the "trash." 
  3. Reader Bob Nield doesn't seem to care much one way or the other, but is pretty sure that the problem is "POOR LEADERSHIP AT THE TOP" and that it's also related to a decision to ban cell phones at a nearby high school.